This is my ode for woman’s day. A day when I choose to share my journey through the past two years.
2008/09/10:
I invited death!!
Its been a battle for me from last year……..I chose to move from one space to another……..physically and spiritually, from the materialist world to a world of just being, to a world of surrender, to world where I could contribute all my talent and experience in the space of spirituality.
the spiritual world was no longer like going to the Himalayas and being in deep meditation, the context has changed, the perception has become different, those in the materialistic world , deeply in the throes of relationships and corporations envisaged to dip themselves in the sea of spirituality and cleanse and move continuously. This is where I saw my self contributing……..
The move was disaster…….did not work…….but the resilience and support that the universe provided to me helped me spring back to the so called materialistic world but now I was armed with the experience and strength had kept me spiritual within.
But now I enjoyed the world that I earlier came from with a renewed visual appeal. Many feelings like those of restlessness, agitation, anger, desperation …….were mostly gone……..I did not feel them so much actively. I have become more tolerant, loving, forgiving and calm.
This was at an internal level.
But at a physical level, there was so much turmoil; the body was reacting violently to all that had happened in my life.
I was in and out of hospital like going in to my bedroom. This year saw me at the hospital nearly 8 times……..
The problems were never ending linking from one to another, if one part was taken care of the other screamed, and then another and so on…..
I encountered problems that made me study anatomy 🙂 I was looking up books and the web on how the intestines functioned, looked , what could happen to them , was the stomach singing a song of joy or anguish……i wondered how god had created all this, so per functionary, yet amazingly fantastic.
then on Christmas day I crashed at my dearest friend kanchana’s house, i had to be hospitalised, my docs were in panic, I was moved in to surgery the next evening, at 4.30 pm to be precise…….
“She is on the brink” any thing can happen said the doctor to my one and only family member my maasi (aunty).
My friends and my aunty were completely shocked and prayed for me……..
I managed to survive…….the docs put in their 200%, but in a manner that hit me psychologically.
My intestine would be placed in a bag under my skin and only my small intestines would do the work of digestion, what on earth was this? I had never heard of any thing like that before. 6 days and out of the ICU I was had a counselling session by a psychiatrist, who held my hand and took me through all my bouts of depression, sadness, the why me syndrome, crying and sobbing unstoppably.
All this was prevalent for a month or so….and then one day while I was lying on my bed I remembered, had I not been saying all the time ‘now I am ready to die, anytime, I have nothing left to do’ . Here it was, this experience was to teach me a lesson, life is a gift of god and we must respect it, cherish it, enjoy it, savour every thing in it. I got the message loud and clear……..
NEVER WILL I SAY THIS…..I WILL LIVE AS LONG AS I AM MEANT TO BE.
More on how I managed this whole colostomy and learnt to live with it…………..soon
The colostomy story:
Like they say life must go on, I had to accept the situation and live. Live not a morose and sad life but thank god for giving this life back to me and be a happy and evolved person.
I set a target for my self I had to get back to work, accept this physical condition and cope with it.
I had all the support I needed, all my reiki friends and group were constantly supporting me, my reiki master Prasad was is and will be forever the strongest support of my life. He has taken me through all this so smoothly, I couldn’t have done it with out him and the entire reiki group.
oh my dearest friend abhijit…….he stood by me too.
And can I ever forget the rock like support from kanchana my soul mate and RK my ex-husband.
every friend of mine suma/mangala/narsimhan/jaya/vani/aru all of them were there for me, while one would send me juice the other would send me food, some one sent me books to read, they all came by in turns and sat with me at the hospital and at home.
Of course my messiahs Dr. Anindita and Dr. Chandan.
All these people were my messengers of god.
Love you all
While support from my personal contacts was huge, the company i worked for stepped in and amply took care of me financially and mentally. Ravi gave me the support of a job that waited for me. Starcom held my hand constantly. My respects to you guys.
All this happened in Jan and Feb. 08. I had decided I will start working in march…….my docs asked me if I would be able to, I had not even stepped out of my house as yet, I will do that soon …..
Within a week I went down in my apartment garden for short walks, was a tough cookie to crack. It felt like the whole world was going round and i felt giddy. My aunt helped me and both of us walked like little kids who had just learnt to walk 🙂
March 1st was a Saturday, I had to start work on Monday…….my wounds had not healed completely, my whole abdomen was full of plasters and dressing, how could I go to office, what if the dressing gave trouble, what if the intestinal bag gave trouble, how would I manage all this, what should I wear? I could not wear the clothes I used earlier; I needed something loose on the abdomen. Oh god! I did not think about this one at all…….
Quick Usha come on be creative and think of some options, I just hopped into the car and went to Fab India, picked up some fabulous, bright colored gera skirts, some nice tops and there I was all set to go to office.
The plasters and dressing and bag and all of that will behave, I requested for reiki from every one.
I spoke to kanchana on Sunday and asked her if I should postpone my joining to a week later, she was furious, NO u must go tomorrow to work, even if it is for a couple of hours. Fine I will go I decided.
MARCH 3 – 8.30 AM I left home in the comforts of my Honda city. I was fully equipped, kit bag full of cotton, plasters, tapes, neutrogena hand wash, and so many things…….food that I could digest easily……biscuits/dry fruits/apple/ I was not only equipped I was virtually armed.
Guys I MADE IT………..I HUNG ON TILL 4 PM.
Every thing behaved and I was fine.
I started working full time from Wednesday the same week!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved my self and every one around me…….I loved Starcom……I loved Prasad……………I just love!
The Journey from here on…………………..will follow
continuation to my personal experience blogs, i am right now in a waiting phase, my reverse surgery has to happen, it was supposed to be done in June, my dear Dr. Chandan felt it would be better and easier for him and me if I took a precautionary dose of Lupron that basically dries up or reduces the size of the uterus and adhesions (growths) , then it will be easier for them to remove them and reverse the colostomy…….oh wow I am actually becoming quite a knowledgeable person on all this. The net is a boon to mankind, there is so much info, educative but some times can psyche a person with the kind of info and experiences that are vividly and very lucidly written.
Nevertheless……instead of psyching u out the simple message is I had to take this injection and wait for 2 months before I went on the surgery table. So I am in waiting…………………….
But in this time when I cant shop for saris, stitch new salwars and kurtas, or even spend long hours on the weekend at the beauty parlour/spa, which I used to enjoy so very much, I have to equip my self and yet be happy ……………..what to do?
Well, Books, TV, Computer, walks and bit of gym, cooking, housekeeping, etc kept me equipped also kept my mood swings and depressions (due to the medication) in check and control.
But you know what two things that i am really enjoying a great deal are : MOVIES AT MULTIPLEXES AND BLOGGING.
I am at the multiplex every weekend and watching the wonderful releases every week, sarkar raj, jodha akbar, aamir, jaane tu, kismet konnection………its simply fantastic. lots of popcorn and chats and ofcourse new stars and great acting / fantastic music all of this is making my heart so full of joy.
Blogging ka toh main kya kahoon, it feels so great to put down ones thoughts, whether its about something at home / office/friends/relatives/or in ones own heart. I have been getting really encouraging comments and views from lot of my friends. like my super boss Ravikiran said…some write for others to read and some write for themselves you choose……I am writing because its making me happy, helping me spend my time so creatively, who knows some time later this might just be very interesting reading for my own self, glancing through what I felt at different times.
oh god another dude who makes me feel so happy is salman khan with his 10 ka dum……..the program is rocking, nothing intellectual or mind racking, its just like some commonsense or gut feel kind of content, and the way sallu interacts with the contestants and the audience is worth commending. Rock on Sallu……aaj ke liye jab main bahut depressed ho sakti thi aap ne bachaliya….
what would i have done with out hrithik and ash’s pristine romance , rahmans soulstirring khwaja mere khwaja, govarikars fantastic expansive visuals, imraans cute looks and so very rajput like mannerisms, Sr and jr AB’s raj, rajeev khandelwals histrionics in aamir ( i was so worried he was going off tv, thank god he is on the larger screen) shahid’s superb dancing and acting konnecting with my joy ……..
this is some kismat konnection………………..wonderful hai na…..
reminds me of bhansalis famous pic khamoshi’s song: aaj main upar , aasmaan neeche, aaj main aage (zamana) mera dukh or depression ha peeche…………………!!!!!!!
be happy guys till next time:)
Will I be free?
The week bygone has been a week full of apprehension and tension, as days are passing I am getting so very impatient and intolerant of my physical status, I am waiting for the surgery to take place and be done with it once and for all.
Post December the surgery was supposed to be done 6 months later, I was eagerly waiting in June, these six months have been very tough and difficult not only physically but challenging mentally and psychologically too. When I met Dr. Chandan in June he discussed with me a number of issues that could go wrong and right for this surgery. He suggested I take a precautionary dose of lupride which would shrink the size of the uterus thereby making it easy for them to remove it and reverse the colostomy. I was so disappointed but certainly I have to cooperate with the doctors to make it easy for them and reduce chances of things going wrong. On June 15 I was administered a super strong dose of lupride , which also has some side effects as per info on the net, I had to go through this, and I knew I would.
So, the wait continues……………..two more months to go, hopefully the lupride would do its job inside and the uterus size would be reducing, the adhesions would also be shrinking, I continued going to office.
Work suddenly became exciting and lots of it happened, I started working on very cute brand Kinder Joy a kids chocolate brand, Tictac a youth brand, Peroni an Italian beer brand…………wow all international brands I loved it.
Its the end of July, I am counting days its over a month and a half, august 15 it will be exactly two months, my doctor had asked me to meet him end of July. I called Dr Chandan and reminded him, he asked me if I was counting each day I told him I am counting every hour and minute tooo. I met him on June 30 we had a long discussion, two and a half months he said, I told him my patience was hitting rock bottom. lets meet in the first week of august and we will decide what to do.
noooooooooooooooooo, not what to do, we will decide the date i pleaded. lets see. doc is so firm always. Nevertheless I asked RK for good days astrologically to suit my horoscope or star etc. Rk was leaving for the US of A for a month to conduct some fantastic havans for Sringeri Matt. just before he left he said 25/26 aug are good days. there it goes, my mind was all set, I knew it must happen on those days.
On the 4th of Aug monday morning i sms’d doctor Chandan, u said first week of Aug when are we meeting? he laughed, may be friday he replied. ok so I connect on Thursday, I sent him an sms.
on thursday 7th aug, i sms’d him – can i come at 10.30 am tom? a very terse reply came back – YES, ok its going good usha.
on thursday evening when I came home from office, I was so restless, tense I did not know what I should do, I was going round the house and kitchen pottering around, I could not even watch tv, I kept telling my self all will be fine, don’t get tense, common usha just chill, finally I took my meal in hand and with akshay and his khatronke khiladi girls I settled to watch some tv. The program is so exciting I go engrossed in the stunts and time passed. I sent reiki requests to all my family in mum and to prasad, give the strength to hold my self.
Finally the morn came, I got ready and headed to the hospital, I reached so early, half an hour to go I took eckhart tolle’s the new earth and read some wonderful zen stories and the pages I read gave me the power to stay calm .
Doctor arrived, I went in to the consulting room, how have u been? fine but very tense doctor…………… fine so u get admitted on the 22 and we do the surgery on 25 or 26th , since u have done all the test recently u just do some routine blood tests, we will need 4 pints of blood, so get your friends or some donors in place, we will have to prepare you for the surgery, do some steam inhalations, blow a balloon say 100 times a day or breathing exercise to keep your lungs in action…………………………….
Was i dreaming? No its real, its on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy , that I felt I was flying.
all instructions done, the downsides things that can go wrong 5% chances all heard, so we meet again next week either 12 or 13 for more he said and stood up to leave.
tears rolling down my cheek, but a smile broke on my quiverring lips………………
Dear god,
give me strength to hold on, sustain the onslaught of allopathy, heal the slicing of the knife, shower flowers and sparks of healing on me and my heart and soul…………..
send the angels to guard me, mother me, hold my hand through this experience, and see me shining healthy and back to normal.
request to all my friends to be with me and hold my hand support me and send me lots of love.
i will definately do my next post before i get admitted in to the hospital……………………
cheers
15 days more to go…..
The week that went past had kept me on tenter hooks, I am now in full zoom……..happy and gung-ho…..my surgery date is fixed for Aug 25 at 7.30 am precisely, am all in preparation. I am blowing balloons so that my lungs get in better shape…..steam inhalations for all the tracts to be clear of any congestions, walking so my legs are not swollen and fit, eating only chapatis and subzi to keep my tummy in condition and light, all this cool for physical preparedness, but most importantly I am very very well prepared mentally, the secret is the :
My dear friend vaidy reminded me that I had not encountered the secret and told me to buy the book immediately.
what’s more I went to crossword and bought the book pronto………
I began reading the secret in fact the secret has engulfed me and my life…..stunning book, am just reeling in the effects of the secrets.
Its just toooooo fantastic.
I have already visualised myself walking out of the hospital all fine and happening.
I am feeling so energetic and upbeat it’s not funny. I spoke to prasad this morning, I have been trying to reach him for so many days, this morning has been superb, and all is under control.
I have told all my friends about the date and time, they will surely turn up, RK (ex-husband) day and nights I will manage with the nurses, friends will drop in and out, kanchana will take charge of the money and bills……
GOD TUSSI GREAT HO
My request to the universe:
please support me, hold my hand and sail me through this sea painlessly, comfortably and with joy.
my request to all my friends:
pl pray to the power and almighty for me.
Triyambakam yajamahe, sugandhim pushtivardanam, urvarukham iva bandhanad, mrityormukshiya mamrutat.
The week went by so fast and quick, I tried to complete all the jobs on my plate to the best of my ability. Last Thursday was so very hectic and full of tension, while I was busy with work, doc calls to postpone the date, again? I did not know how to react, he said the OT at the hospital would be closed for annual maintenance!!!!!! could not have been more accurate timing, any ways we spoke for tuesday 26, I immediately called all my friends and reiki family and told them its not 25 but 26th same time same place.
the day went on and by 3 pm doc called me again, usha can we do it on wed 27, u know I want to play safe with the equipment and smells and fumigation etc. or u could check with panditji for a fresh date or else wed 27 is fine for the surgeons etc. ok I will revert I said. called RK and checked 27 is a wed and is fine for u he said, u know I was not too keen on mon25 7.30 am its rahu kaalam, he said!!!!!and tues also was not too great for u, but then if the docs want that what can we do, so I said its fine but wed is much better and suits u fine he said. Zindabad – see god does all for our good, I called doc and confirmed the date, 27wed 7.30 am at st philomenas, d ward (the room is bookd). I drew the money and handed it over to kanchana who is in charge of my hospitalisation and bills.
so here is the team:
docs: dr chandan juneja / dr shridhar pandit / dr suhashini gyanaec / dr anindita my physician
friends who will take care : Kanchana / Rk / shekhar (my brother) / suma
who will donate blood for me: shivamurthy our IT person at office / babu ( our office security person who was so keen to give me blood as his group is also B+) / bharath is my colleague swarnalatas friend / and shekhar.
every thing is set, reiki requests flying all over, support is pouring in from every every one, so many prayers, wishes, and love i am so very overwhelmed.
thanks universe, thank you god, thank you to every human being who is part of my life in any which way.
love u all
I will be admitted on monday at the hospital, tomorrow will be a sunday at home and I will key in my blog before I go in to surgery.
ciao
I am healed……………..:)
September 9, 2008 by ushark | Edit
To continue the saga…………..hahahaha , I got admitted in the hospital st.philomenas, one of bangalores oldest hospitals, opps the amitabh bachchan fame tooo. monday was full of tests, ecg, echo, blood tests, hamaeglobin, ctbt etc. tuesday dawned with liquid diet as a preparation for the surgery.
The d day is wed morning aug 27 at 7.30 am
The surgery is scheduled as follows:
1 urologist to fit in some stents
2. gynac to remove the uterus and ovaries
3. gastro surgeons to remove hernia – the new and latest entrant in the body
4. gastro surgeons to mobilise and reverse the large intestine.
5. they will then join the cut ends of the intestine
6. clean up and close the wound.
……………..more to follow
Am Home and recovering:
hey its almost a month since i wrote anything, Oct has been unique and truly inspiring for me.
I appreciate every thing that I have got and every moment I live. Life is blooming like a flower in full bloom.
My first travel to Goa:
October is that month of the year I wait for very eagerly, we have the reiki intensive transformation workshop at GOA. I was very excited and was looking forward to going to goa, not only would I meet my guru Prasad but would meet nearly 80+ people of my reiki family and over 40+ new members who will enter this beautiful ring of light and become part of ‘the family’.
This year the intensive was truly magical, I was barely out of my surgery but participated 100% in all the exercises and meditations. We had a wonderful surprise – Karnamrita Dasi – one of the dream singers of bhajans and kirtans came to be part of our workshop along with our dearest devotional singer Sundaram. both of them made our workshop truly spritual and magical.
The magical voices – Karnamrita dasi and Sundaram
I came back to Bangalore fully recharged, calm, feeling very introspective and thinking of all the wonderful things that happened there.
Work is on………clients send messages of praise….once in a way:)
diwali is here, its gonna be a time with friends and family……….
On 8 March 2010:
Its woman’s day, the day reminds me of my resilience of my rising like the phoenix of my being the woman with a strong resolve. A line that sums it up for me is: JAB FAASLO SE ZYAADA HO HAUSLA BULUND, TOH MANZIL KI OOOR BADH CHALE KADAM.(a brand descriptor line of the brands I work on, but just works for every one)
The world within..........&........out 
